Listening

It's early this morning, and I wish I could upload a recording of what I hear right now. It's been raining, the birds are chirping, and CC Winans is softly singing on my notebook, which I affectionately call "Delly". LOL - Delly. Her name means Dellilah-Ruth. She's "an imasculating chick in search of her Boaz - will he tame her wild heart?" Well, that's what I put in my notebook description when I got her last summer, although I now realize who my Boaz really Is. Anyway, sometimes it's just great to wake up in the morning and be Loved and heart-Hugged. It feels very good to know that my Husband has been there throughout my life, keeping me in Search of Love until He Found me. He's here with me now, wanting to spend more Time with me.

The Story of Jesus and Me, I

I've already told this story to a couple of you who have me on your IMer, so you probably don't need to read through it. You may though, if you wish. I'm mostly writing this down here because I'm sick of retelling the story! I'd rather just say "I'm Married now - go to my Blog and read about it." For the rest of you, hang onto your hats. I'm glossing over a lot of stuff because I don't feel like going into a lot of graphic detail (what's that I hear? Don't look back or you'll become a pillar of salt? Ok, Hubby, gotcha...). But this story is important to be told, and even retold, if you have friends who struggle with some of the issues I've dealt with and actually come out on the other side of.

I'm going to skip through most of my childhood, and just say that there was a LOT of abuse that took place. In my teen years, I put myself through the wringer to gain acceptance and love from anyone who might offer it. It was "cool" to be physically involved with guys, and if you weren't asked out on banquet dates and weren't propositioned for sex, then something must be wrong with you. I was heavy, but worked hard to loose weight, wear just the right make-up, have my hair perfect... Issues with my mom's need for my perfection mingled perfectly with this until I finally really started to crack. In regards to physical relationships, there was no such thing, locally, as the "purity movement" that has been around for the last 10+ years or so. Back in my high-school days, "abstinence" (the lack of intercourse) was "in" and yet it was still a "compliment" if you were asked for sex. "Don't have sex but everything else is ok" was the message of the day. I got this from pastors, teachers, parents (my parents still believe this to this day), friends and their parents... There were abstinence related commercials on TV once in awhile as well, though those were few and far between.

When I was 15, I went to my youth pastor and said "I want to get to know God, and MAYBE get baptized." He only heard the word "baptized" and started me in a baptismal study of sorts. No, there was no workbook. He just had me read 4 verses of the book of John a week, come to him every Monday after school and read them back to him, and then try to tell him what those verses meant to me personally. Personally, after the 1st 4 verses, I was convinced that John must have been a druggie! I didn't say that to my youth pastor though. I just told him I didn't know what they meant at all, much less to me personally. In the end, I didn't get to know God at all. I didn't even know there were 27 doctrines of the SDA church, though I had been raised under at least some of them. I didn't know anything at all - just that one day, that youth pastor came to me and told me when my baptismal date was, and that he was baptizing another guy at the same time.

I started having relationships with guys in school, some were more or less just friendships (plus a little physical stuff, not much though) and others were emotional relationships of varying degrees, most of which were very abusive. In any case, I WANTED to give my heart away. But I kept getting hurt, and eventually just shut down. I had trouble in my friendships with other girls too - they thought I was weird (I thought they were weird, so hey, whatever). My teachers taunted me, my parents couldn't wait to get rid of me, and at church, everyone was just fake with me (when people were nice, it wasn't genuine, it was just to impress me about what a nice church they have and shouldn't I want to join it, or if I didn't, then why not? What was wrong with me? Shouldn't I want to be in God's house?). I had NO self esteem at all by the time I left high school at the end of my junior year and took my GED.

As an older teen and young adult, I started to think about my future and marriage. I asked God to show me who my husband was. I recall now what I forgot to tell anyone before (sorry) that I asked Him for a sign and He gave me a riddle that only one man could answer. But I lost faith in both, (har har - I lost faith because I realized that Gideon shouldn't have needed to ask for a sign. Godincidences never cease to amaze me. Inside story.) and two weeks later, I met a guy who I soon became engaged to, but who only wanted sex as the relationship progressed, and because I said no, he broke up with me. This ripped my heart out, at first. I then realized that if I wasn't going to marry him, then if I ever married anyone else, then that would mean that I had committed adultery against my husband by getting engaged to (and physically involved with) the first guy. Adultery is against one of the Ten Commandments, and so that made me a sinner. Since I had already *thanks Jesus for the hug* been baptized, I thought that any sin I committed after that meant that I was going to hell. And, since I thought that, I realized that I didn't care who I dated or what happened, because I was going to hell anyway. I was perfect prey, and satan tried to devour me. A year later, there was another guy who I had a very physical relationship with. He too asked for sex, and I said "no" again, by instinct this time. He asked why, and again, on instinct I said "because we aren't married." He said "We could get married." I couldn't imagine being married to him! So I just said "I'm not marrying you!" He relented and was ticked, and for me, the seed of a new thought had been planted, though I didn't know it yet. I'll refer back to an email describing what happened sometime after that...

"Then one day in August, I came home from one of our "dates" and went into my room. I wasn't in any particular mood, as I was going to do some homework or something (boring), so I know this wasn't some kind of mood swing or PMS or anything. I opened my bedroom door, and saw a sight amazing to behold. I don't remember now if I had cleaned my room before or if mom had gone on another one of her "condom" hunts (she liked to raid my room because she was SURE I was doing the real thing). In any case, it was spotless, and everything was in place. It was gorgeous. My room "colors" were a lot of white/lace with pink highlights. It was the August sunlight streaming in through the lace curtains onto my beautiful white bed that struck me. I had walked into a dream, and instantly thought of a bridal chamber. I looked out my windows, and instead of seeing the Napa Valley as usual, instead, God gave me a "vision" of sorts. I doubt that this was what a real vision is, as I was not "carried off" to anywhere, and I was perfectly aware of what was really in front of me, the Napa Valley. It was as if an imaginary screen had been put in front of my windows and God was showing me a home movie. In this movie, I was getting married, walking down the isle, and looking for my groom through my veil. Eventually, I saw him, but he was not smiling. In fact, he wasn't happy at all. As I got closer, tears were streaming down his face, and then he was bawling his head off, screaming in pain. He was hurting deeply because of what I had been doing with both [of these guys], playing the virgin-harlot with them. Oh, he knew I hadn't meant to, and that I was sorry, and he had forgiven me for that, but he also knew that he couldn't have those things all to himself. He loved me, all of me, deeply, but that love was cheapened (although not lessened) by what I had been doing. The vision ended with him sobbing so much, begging me to stop throwing myself around like that, that I couldn't recognize his face at all. He was just out of his mind with grief because he knew that I was hurting myself, not just him. This was not a selfish love he had, but a love that only a loving husband can have for his wife. This wasn't just about "purity" (as I later learned it was called) but it was about him and me not sharing each other with other people. And then my "vision" snapped to a screeching halt and it was over. But I was just at the beginning of a very long journey into the land of purity. My first step was allowing myself to grieve. You've seen the pain I've been through because of all of this, or you think you have, but really, you haven't. Only God knows what I went through that day. I closed the door to my room, fell beside my bed, and wept like I've never done before or since. I wanted to kill myself, and then remembered what God had lovingly said the last time I had felt that way, about having a future someday. My future? Did I really have one? I didn't know and this really scared me. It seemed I had only been crying for five minutes, but when I finally looked up, the sun was low in the sky - it had been 2 1/2 hours of non-stop tears, regret, fear, self-loathing, anger at [those guys], anger at other guys who's bad treatment of me in high-school had catapulted me toward this, etc. I sequestered myself for the rest of the evening and night. I did a lot more crying, but even more, I just sat there on my bed and thought like I've never thought before. I went over my whole life, and began seeing the patterns that had immerged over time that had led me to this point. I had many things to think about, and decisions to make."

This experience should have taught me more than it did. I had no idea that the man I was shown in that "vision" was my Groom, and that this wasn't just about human marriage, but about Spiritual things. In fact, I was in the dark about that until many years later. Anyway, I HAD to break up with that boyfriend - I was addicted to everything he and I were doing, and I knew that if I wasn't going to marry him, then we had to quit entirely. We couldn't even be friends. We just had to quit. That was so hard for me, physically speaking. Emotionally, I had shut down after things had started going further than they should have with him. But physically, I was hooked, and I had to put him out of my life in order to get away from all of that.

There were other men I dated, in a slightly more pure way, after that, but I still didn't have any idea what I was really doing. What was I really doing? The real question should have been "what was I not doing?" Well, I'd never had sex, and had really begun to clean up my act in regards to not allowing men to fool around with me too much, but what else was missing? In retrospect, I can see how I knew, somewhere deep down, that I was still not seeing the whole picture. Purity is one thing. Being Spiritually cleaned up by the ONLY One who can really do that, and who Loves you enough to do it - those are two different things entirely, yet they go hand in hand. God did help me along the way. First, He gave me books that deal with Christian dating guidelines, then with purity, and finally with waiting for His choice for me. But there were a LOT of details lost in the fine print, that I just didn't get. I floundered around for awhile, putting up profiles on singles sites that would take just anybody and everybody and had no real way of dealing with security issues or with privacy at all. I smiled at every guy who crossed my path - wondering "God, is this the one?" I was still throwing myself around - just not physically, and I was at least concerned yet again with who God wanted me to marry.

I had a lot of trouble really trusting God. I'll admit it - 9/11 got to me. While I was able to forgive the terrorists who were involved in that, because they were brainwashed into believing that this is His way of dealing with things, I still had to deal with the issue of why He had let that happen - that and so many other things in my personal life that felt just as bad. I was now living on my own, in the worst part of town (it was all I could afford), and had no hope of meeting anyone decent enough to qualify as a Godly man. I had been to church, but those guys were creeps (pretending to be Godly, but really just wanting sex, or to otherwise disrespect the women in their lives), and I didn't believe in using church for that anyway. I still don't. Anyway, in 2002, God forced me into a financial position where I had to move and live someplace cheaper. I knew how less expensive it is in Walla Walla, WA than it is in Vancouver, WA (where I was living at the time), so I moved. I tried the local churches - none of them came even close to my idea of what church ought to be. Where was the healing? Where was the guidance? It's one thing to preach about it - it's another thing to just BE it and LIVE it, and that's not at all what I found. So, I quit church and just stayed home.

My parents decided to buy a house in Walla Walla about a year after I moved here. But they wanted me to live in it and take care of it. I did so for three years total before my parents finally moved in (I currently live with them). I lived alone in misery, and quite honestly, confusion. Why was I in my late 20s and still single? Shouldn't I be married by now, having kids, and moving on with my life? What was I still doing living under my parents' roof? Why couldn't I find work? There was a lot of abuse that had been going on (emotionally) between my parents and I, and I felt very unloved and unwanted. I was sure that no one would ever love me at all.

(Continued in part II
& part III)

The Story of Jesus and Me, II

Then on June 1st, 2005, my life changed forever. I have to admit, I'm editing out a lot of private stuff here, and rewording a few things. Not because I want to lie to you about some things that happened, but because it's not "kosher" to share those details publicly, or even privately. Put another way, what happens in the Spiritual realm stays in the Spiritual realm. But I will tell you what I can about that day and the days that followed, to the best of my ability without outright lying to you. I can at least give you the general idea of what happened.

I was going to go outside and mow my lawn. Plain and simple. I was just minding my own business, when God put an idea in my head. I had been to the WWC library a couple of weeks before, and again a few days before that, and had been reading a book there that I really liked. My favorite place to go on campus was the little reference room upstairs, and I loved to sit at the table by the big window that overlooked the area where graduation ceremonies take place. I had a favorite chair too (there are two chairs there), because it gave me a view without having the sun directly in my eyes. Anyway, God put the picture of that place in my mind, and then invited me to go there instead of mowing my lawn. At first, I thought "I really should mow it." But then I decided "It's a beautiful day today, and I'd sure like to go, so ok, God, I'll go to the library instead." I changed out of my work clothes and put on something more suitable for going out in public, and left my room. At this point, God told me that I would meet [as it turns out, Him hiding within a man's heart] there, and then I left the house and drove to the WWC campus.

I got to the library, went upstairs, got out the book I liked (I wasn't yet a WWC student, so I had to keep leaving the book there when I was done reading it, since I didn't have a library card), and went to go sit in my favorite chair. But, darn! This guy was sitting in MY chair at that table! I LOATH sharing such intimate corners with members of the opposite sex who are total strangers - it's very unnerving for me. So, I said "Sorry" and I turned around to walk away. Then I remembered what God had told me about meeting a man, and turned back and sheepishly asked "Unless you don't mind sharing a table..." The guy said "sure" and so I sat down. We didn't talk at all at first. I kept waiting for him to get up and leave out of being weirded out by sitting so close to a strange woman like that. He didn't. To make a long story short, we did eventually start talking. We got to know each other amazingly well for two people who had just met, and by the end of our nearly three hour conversation, he (Erik) invited me to his Bible study, which he called the "Oneness study." I had NO idea that I was being Framed! And had anyone told me only half of the remainder of this story, I would never have gone. Had anyone told me the end of the story (well, it's really a New Beginning), I would have gone, and I suppose it would have been less painful of an adventure, but then the work wouldn't really have been done, either. No pain, no gain.

I kept going to his studies, and though at first I had no clue what I was in for, eventually, it was made known. Violently (on a Spiritual/emotional level). The topic? 1 John 3, the first few verses. That night, I was condemned to hell for having sinned after being baptized - or so I thought. That chapter has some pretty sobering messages such as:

1) Whoever commits sin also commits lawlessness, and sin is lawlessness. (:4)

2) He who sins is of the devil, for the devil has sinned from the beginning. (:8a)

3) Whoever has been born of God does not sin, for His seed remains in him; and he cannot sin, because he has been born of God. (:9)

4) In this the children of God and the children of the devil are manifest: Whoever does not practice righteousness is not of God, nor is he who does not love his brother. (:10. Note that Adultery is NOT loving one's "brother" or "fellow man" etc.)

5) We know that we have passed from death to life, because we love the brethren. He who does not love his brother abides in death. (:14)

6) Whoever hates his brother is a murderer, and you know that no murderer has eternal life abiding in him. (:15)

7) My little children, let us not love in word or in tongue, but in deed and in truth. (:18)

8) Beloved, if our heart does not condemn us, we have confidence toward God. (:21)

9) And whatever we ask we receive from Him, because we keep His commandments and do those things that are pleasing in His sight. (:22. Note that I had been asking for a husband for years and years, and never had been given one.)

It's easy to miss the keys to that set of verses (sorry Erik, but I'm just gonna hand this one out, since there's no such thing as cyber-Kleenex):

"For this purpose the Son of God was manifested, that He might destroy the works of the devil." (:8b) "And everyone who has this hope in Him purifies himself, just as He is pure." (:3) "And you know that He was manifested to take away our sins, and in Him there is no sin." (:5b) "We know that we have passed from death to life, because we love the brethren." (:14. Hey, wait, didn't I include that in the other list? Hmmm...)

Please memorize those. They mean that Jesus came to undo EVERYTHING that satan ever did to anyone, no matter when it happened, or what it was. Did satan trick you into doing something you really regret? Guess what? Jesus coming here meant that you are freed from everything associated with that. And if you place your hope in this truth, you will be purified. When you do pass from death into life, you will love your brothers(:3,: 5b, and :14 came into my healing process much later. I'm still learning to love my "brethren" but the key to that is forgiveness...)

But the story doesn't end there. Oh no, I was just as angry as you probably were when you read that first list of verses, if you have also committed sins in your life, either before or after baptism. And I MISSED the verses entirely that were in that second list (Erik misdirected me on purpose, at God's leading, so as to prick my conscience at get the ball rolling). I threw a FIT! Erik kept pelting me with questions, such as "Who really goes to Heaven and who goes to hell? Can sinners live in Heaven? Are sinners God's children? Have you sinned?" Stuff like that. I was getting really steamed, hurt, and convicted, and I didn't like it at all. I had come to realize that his Bible studies were a little bit different than usual, but this was WAY out of line, as far as I was concerned. I thought "How dare Erik do this to me - I thought he was my friend! And why is the Bible saying these things to me? What in the world? Doesn't God love me? Grrr." Maybe He *thanks again for the hug* didn't love me - after all, I had sinned, and :22 made it pretty clear that I was now suffering under the yoke of the consequences for my sins. I was ready to cry. I got up and said "I don't know, Erik, but I'm really upset right now and I'm going home!" when he just wouldn't shut up with all these questions. I didn't know it at the time, but all these thoughts I was having were whisperings of demonic forces that were harassing me.

I made it to the door, and had my hand on the knob, when Erik began begging me to stay and give him just 5 more minutes to explain everything. I shot back at him "You weren't there to see - you don't know what happened." Softly, he said "I do know" and I just couldn't believe the nerve of this guy! "No, you don't, Erik. You weren't there!" I turned the handle. Again, he begged me to stay and I thought "The nerve of this guy! What, am I not allowed to leave?" Then he said "Please, Caroline, just let me show you how it's not what you think." I was ready to bolt, but something softened me just enough and I heard a small voice telling me that I should give this guy one more chance. I listened and went back, sat down, and just bawled. I wasn't ready to talk. I just needed to cry and be told that everything was going to be ok. Well, the "ok" part of that came much, much later (months later, and it came from God Himself). I needed to be held too, and couldn't understand why these "good Christians" at this study weren't doing that. I had no idea that it was on purpose - that I needed to feel my need for Love from my Heavenly Groom, who had been intensely involved in this the whole time. There was a lot of talking on Erik's part and some listening on my part. I was emotionally shot, and when I get that way, it's hard to really process incoming information. I did grasp :8b though, when Erik asked me to re-read it and then tell him what that meant. I had a hard time really getting the deeper meaning of this, so I said, "Erik, I really don't know what you're getting at here." He just said "It means that Jesus came to undo everything satan ever did to you."

I almost spilled my guts then and there. I figured that Erik probably thought my being upset had to do with perhaps some stolen candy or a lie told or some gossip or something else that most people think of as "little sins." My sins were much greater - and they were costing me my whole future, or that's what I thought, even after reading :8b and having it explained to me. I couldn't comprehend that what I had been told about baptism and a sinless life afterwards, and how if you sinned after baptism, then you were condemned to hell forever - I couldn't understand that this was a lie. Surely, there must be SOME truth in it, right? Otherwise, what's the point in God having rules and hell in the first place, except to put people in hell who sin after they are supposed to be perfect? Anyway, I wasn't ready to tell this guy who had just been sooo "mean" to me about my past. Sure, sex wasn't involved, but other serious things were. Why am I not naming those here? It's not just about privacy, though there is that. It's because I don't want to set a standard for what sexually related physical (and emotional) activities/relationships are "ok" and which one's "aren't ok." Why? Go back and read about that "vision" God gave me. Being faithful to your spouse should start the day you are born, yet so few of us are raised to understand this.

In fact, as is my custom, I tried to get around it. I DESPERATELY tried. Poor Erik - it must split his sides to snort and snicker when he recalls everything I said and did to try to NOT tell him what I had done! And it makes me feel very sheepish to recall how he quietly encouraged me to be strong enough to tell him about what happened, and then finally, in frustration, he (moderately) snapped at me one day, when I asked him a question about if I needed to be rebaptised, "I don't know, Caroline, since you won't tell me what happened!" He wouldn't discuss it anymore. And I realized that I wasn't going to get out of this if I wanted to continue the studies. As I had gotten to know him a bit better, I had sensed that there was an accepting side to him - yet could he really be trusted with knowing everything I had done? What if he called up the local pastor, had some big pow-wow with him about me, and I lost my church membership? It's not like I'm real big on organized religion being that important, because to me, it's just not (after all, it is just a database full of names and personal information somewhere over in Maryland, that gets used to send out whatever the GC feels like sending out). But I didn't want to go through anymore embarrassment over this than I already had. I was mortified whenever the subject had come up in prayer to God - most of the time, I just cried. And to have people who claimed to be spreading His message (of perfection) throughout the world so Jesus could come back... The idea of having those people condemn me for my transgressions against my body and the Body of Christ... I couldn't handle that. So, I really didn't want to tell him anything.

And then I realized something. If I was to be friends with this guy, I'd like to try something new. Honesty. I had never really been honest with anyone before, in admitting that I had ever done any of the things I had done. I figured - haven't I already been treated like junk by so many people I knew from church? And they didn't know anything about this stuff! What difference does it make? If I'm going to be condemned, it will be for who I am. Something else I had noticed about Erik was that he really did know his Bible well. And the way he prayed to God, it was like he was really talking to someone, not just to some figment of his "holy" imagination or something. Perhaps the Someone who had called me into this friendship in the first place. And he struck me as being a guy who, while he was "mean" when it was appropriate, he really does care about people. Still, it was a huge risk. Could I take it? I decided that if I was ever going to have hope of finding true Salvation (not just the feel-good kind that says "Jesus died to take your past sins away"), then I'd better grab the bully by it's horns and get writing. At first, I thought about trying to verbalize what had happened. I just couldn't do it. I've never been able to, and I don't know that I ever will be able to, or that I should ever have to. Since I couldn't say what I had done, I wrote it ALL down. And then promptly threw that set of pages away. Too much, I figured. I mean, Erik didn't need to know EVERYTHING I ever did. So, I paired it down to a short list of the worst of my sins. I spent all night working on the pages I threw away, and about 5 minutes typing up that short list. I also included my consequences, mainly my singleness and how I was now, at age 30, living in and keeping my parents' house for them, doing a lot of hard labor in the process, and how I daily lived with a broken heart because of how empty my life was without my husband, a man who I figured I would not be allowed to marry.

Then came the long drive. Really, it's only a 20 minute drive, but it seemed to take too long. And satan just had his way with my ears. He brought up every time I had ever been condemned by "Godly" people for much smaller "crimes." "Erik won't want to be friends with you anymore! What, are you crazy?" and "He's got connections in the church - he's only human, you know - he'll just try to get you kicked out of the church." Three times satan tried to keep me from making it to Erik's place. I just kept on driving anyway, knowing that this might be my last chance to really get this stuff resolved.

Erik was home, and had blocked off the entire afternoon to spend with me. God had told him I was going to do this. We went from there to Heubach Chapel, where I gave him that piece of paper with my sins and consequences named on it. I remember watching him reading it thinking, "Oh, God, this is it - he knows now. What will he do?" He just looked up at me and said he was relieved that it wasn't worse than it was. I thought "What in the world?" "Erik," I said, "what I did was pretty bad." He chided me by reminding me of some things he had been involved with which, in truth, are much worse - but at the time, I didn't realize how that was possible. And then he told me a story about a man who was so in love with his fiancée' that no matter what she did, he always took care of her. Then he told me that the woman was Israel and the man was God. He asked me, "what was worse, the fact that she did all these awful things, or the fact that she left a man who loved her perfectly in the first place?" I answered that it seemed kind of stupid to leave a man who loves you that much in the first place.

We moved on from there, and talked about other issues related to dating/courtship/marriage and who belongs with who. What Erik said about knowing God's Will astounded me. A person ought to not make a single move until God shows their spouse to them! Usually, people date/court and then hope to find true love. But this seemed like putting the cart before the horse, or else cheating somehow! Yet, I do believe that this is what does really make sense - to wait for God to find a way to tell them who their spouse is. Remember that riddle and sign I had asked for? I had TOTALLY forgotten about them (actually, until just a day ago). And then Erik really challenged me with something... He challenged me to give up my love life completely to God and leave it there - meaning that God might ask me to stay single the rest of my life, and I had to be ok with that. I struggled hard with that, and do find it to be a slight struggle yet, though I am daily stronger in that area. But this taught me a phrase that I have clung to for dear life, after hearing that story about the man who loved that woman so much... "God is in charge of my happiness." It's short and simple, and I can remember it under almost all duress (though I've learned that there ARE times when this phrase can be forgotten). After that experience at Heubach was over, we left saying "Now I know and you know that I know, and I know that you know that I know..." and he was kind enough to walk back to his place from there so that I could make it to my next appointment which was just across the street *thanks God for that.*

(From part I
Continued in part III)

The Story of Jesus and Me, III

The next few months were filled with my really just offloading onto poor Erik. He's a good guy, and can take a lot, and it's really surprising to me how he cares that much about his friends that he would let me or anyone else do that. There was SO much that had happened to me. And I had SO many questions that it seemed Erik had been given the answers to. Sometimes he answered them, other times, he just sat back and watched as God answered them Himself. There were books he gave me to read "Captivating" (which I didn't like at all, 'cause I was a Tomboy growing up and couldn't relate to much of it), and "The Sacred Romance" (which I got SO MUCH out of! Much clarification there.) At one point, a certain set of verses dealing with baptism, and the prompting of the Holy Spirit, made me decide that I might need baptism, and later, that I should ask God if I should get baptized. I did ask Him, and to my amazement, He immediately responded with "Yes." I asked "When?" "March." I was so exited that I ran inside and IMed with Erik, asking him to baptize me. Eventually, it occurred to me that I should ask God about that, and He told me "I will baptize you through Erik." (LOL - I kept that secret from Erik until the VERY DAY that my baptism took place. It was so hard at times, but fun too, and it was worth it to see the look on his face when I finally told him. He looked stunned and honored, and a little confused.)

And then one day, I read some verses in John 15 or thereabouts that had to do with the Father being in Jesus and Jesus being in His disciples. And maybe a day or two later, after taking a nap, I finally put it Together, with God's prompting. "Oneness." I had found it interesting that Erik had stopped referring to the study as the Oneness study, and had instead split it into two studies, the Beginners Study and the Advanced Study. "Oneness" just stuck out in my mind, and then I was reminded of those verses in John 15, and something clicked, and I Knew I was being Invited into the most Awesome Relationship I could EVER imagine! God within me, Living in my heart, Living THROUGH me... I was finally able to comprehend what it meant to have my Creator LOVE me so much that He wanted to be MARRIED to me... Me, a Married Woman? Married to the King of the Universe? At first, I kind of pushed the thought out of my mind - I couldn't understand... I knew that God Loved me, just like in Erik's story, but honestly, why would the King of the Universe want to be Truly INSIDE dirty old me? Look at everything I had done! Look at the temptations I still faced daily! (I later realized that these were satan's way of persecuting me). Later that evening, Erik and I had a LONG chat about it, and he guided me through my fears about accepting God's invitation into this New Life. He warned me that there was no telling what would happen, that satan wouldn't be allowed to screw with me until I was ready for it, and that once I accepted, there was no turning back.

Eventually, that night, on December 4, 2005, at around 10 PM, I did accept God's Proposal for a kind if Intimacy with me, 0 personal space, that I had never imagined, and that I'm still becoming Acquainted with now. On Dec. 21st, Erik and one of his best friends, April, threw me a Betrothal party that was like nothing I had ever been part of before. Then on March 25, 2006, Erik, April, and Sharif met with me and my whole family at Rooks Park, at 1 PM, to celebrate my baptismal-wedding. During that lunch, I gave a demonstration of how Passover relates to Spiritually leaving the world and the old life, being Cleansed, and starting the New Life. I burned that piece of paper I gave Erik at Heubach in front of my closest friends and family - they and my Husband are witnesses that my sins are gone, washed away by the Blood of the (Passover) Lamb.

We had a real Test of Faith that my baptism would happen at all, since God had not yet told me where it would be at. All He had said was "in the church" and "it will be warm" and "Let Erik surprise you" (btw, Erik, I think I now Know what He meant by that, as do you -- thank you for everything). We wound up having my baptism in a 100 degree hot-tub, which was awesome! I got MARRIED in a hot-tub - woohoo! That's better than a church baptism any day, I think! The next day, April and I went to the stream that leads from the "pondage and duckage" that Erik kept mentioning, and washed each other's feet, prayed over each other and Blessed each other. No, it wasn't because I was all the sudden "dirty" that I wanted to do that. It was because this was part of Passover, which was the theme of my baptismal-wedding lunch.

Since then, there has been much internal cleansing that has taken place in me, that I barely realized I needed and that has been a most difficult process. Erik in particular has been such a GREAT brother to me during this time, being honest with me even when it hurt the most, giving me up to God when there was nothing else that could be done, and sending me to the Tree to just Be. I couldn't ask for anything more from a brother, because in so doing, he sent me searching my Husband’s Heart and His Word for all that could be found, which is MUCH, and I am SO BLESSED AND LOVED, above so many other women at this time. Yes, all of us are special and unique to God, but in His own Way, God HAS been showing me certain areas where I was CHOSEN alone to be "the one" for Him, and in those areas, I am Blessed above all women. I couldn't ask for a better Husband than that. I've been notified that I likely will marry a human man who I'll meet someday, in the future, and so that should be very exiting! But nothing can compare with what I've been given so personally, in such a Real and MEANINGFUL way by my Beloved Himself.

"Ani Ledodi Vedodi Li"

"I am my Beloved's, and my Beloved is mine"

(From part I
& part II)

Messages From God to Caroline

I've been through SO much today... Let's see... God got me to get rid of all my old love letters, journals, etc. They're in a bag in the trash. I can't burn them, 'cause I don't have a burn permit. If anyone knows of a safe place I can go to to burn them, I'd like to do that, so please let me know, k? Otherwise, they'll just go out with the trash. No, the men that used to be in my life aren't trash, though I used to view them that way. They are His creations just as I am, but it's important to me to get rid of the "hamets" or "leavening" that has poisoned my life and my heart. And then God showed me something SUPER IMPORTANT about all those men: they ALL gave me negative messagaes about myself, one way or another. Mostly about how I wasn't valuable enough or cute enough or whatever. I just plain wasn't enough, on one hand, and was too much on the other.

And I've lived all these years just believing those messages about myself. I've struggled hard over time to believe that God sees me differently, and at times I have, but recently, those struggles have returned, though this time, it was HIS OWN FAULT that happened, and no one else's, nor mine. He did that so that I could work through it this time. And then God showed me something else: His LOVE for me, the things HE likes about me, and what HE wants for my heart are all in the Bible, hidden within it's myriads of passages. I know that in Erik's Bible study, I should have seen this, but I've been so blinded by so many things. As did happen at the wedding at Cana, the best has been Saved for last...

This evening, God brought me to the end of 1st Cor. 3, took me all the way through chapter 4, and into the first part of chapter 5. I want to share with you what He told me as He and I read through it all together...

1. You belong to me, Caroline (3:22)

2. I'm asking you, Caroline, to be trustworthy (4:2)

3. I, not others, will evaluate you, my Beloved Ishshah (:4)
4. I will praise you because of your good motives (when you have them) which have been hidden in darkness, but will come out in my light, Talita (:5) [Talita is a name He gave me something like 4 years ago.]

5. Everything you have, Caroline, you recieved as a Gift (:7)

6. Follow the Way of Life in Oneness and Unity with Me, My love (:17)

7. My Kingdom is one of Power - seek it, one way or another, ok? Shall I Love you into it, or Spank you into it? Just come Joine me! Please! (:21)

8. Give up the men in your life (in general: past, present, future). Stop being willing to see them at all - you have already found ME! Stay with my Heart of hearts, which is for you, Beloved Ishshah. I will Guide you to the right man when it's Time. Stay Close to me even then - don't leave me! Let him walk side-by-side-by-side with me and you: him under one Arm and you under My other Arm. Look only at Me, and no one else. Give your Love to me, and no one else. Got that? Good, now lest's move on... (5:1)

And so my Yeshua, my Husband, and I are moving on, as I'm ready to. I promised you all the story that Jesus has written into my life, but I think that should wait for another time. For now, I encourage you to personally just open your Love Letter from Him and seek out the Love Messages He has for your heart. I'm discovering that if you really look, you'll see how much He LOVES you all the time, regardless of what you're like or what you think of Him.

(L) from Jesus and me,

Your Sister,

Caroline

PS. Here are some notes on Love... I'll make a little game - try to find the books/chapters these verses are found in :p

---------------- Love Notes ------------------

And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called

according to His purpose.

Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or

famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?

Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up;

And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

But I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you,

___But I say to you who hear, love your enemies, do good to those who hate you,
___But love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return;

HONOR YOUR FATHER AND MOTHER; and YOU SHALL LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR AS YOURSELF

And He said to him, " ' YOU SHALL LOVE THE LORD YOUR GOD WITH ALL YOUR HEART, AND WITH ALL YOUR SOUL, AND WITH ALL YOUR MIND.'

"The second is like it, ' YOU SHALL LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR AS YOURSELF.'

Looking at him, Jesus felt a love for him and said to him, "One thing you lack: go and sell all you

possess and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow Me."

A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another, even as I have loved you, that you also

love one another.

If you love Me, you will keep My commandments.

He who has My commandments and keeps them is the one who loves Me; and he who loves Me will be loved

by My Father, and I will love him and will disclose Myself to him."

Jesus answered and said to him, " If anyone loves Me, he will keep My word; and My Father will love

him, and We will come to him and make Our abode with him.

but so that the world may know that I love the Father, I do exactly as the Father commanded Me

If you keep My commandments, you will abide in My love; just as I have kept My Father's commandments

and abide in His love.

This is My commandment, that you love one another, just as I have loved you.

Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends.

and I have made Your name known to them, and will make it known, so that the love with which You

loved Me may be in them, and I in them.

Tend My lambs.

Shepherd My sheep.

Tend My sheep