The Story of Jesus and Me, II
Then on June 1st, 2005, my life changed forever. I have to admit, I'm editing out a lot of private stuff here, and rewording a few things. Not because I want to lie to you about some things that happened, but because it's not "kosher" to share those details publicly, or even privately. Put another way, what happens in the Spiritual realm stays in the Spiritual realm. But I will tell you what I can about that day and the days that followed, to the best of my ability without outright lying to you. I can at least give you the general idea of what happened.
I was going to go outside and mow my lawn. Plain and simple. I was just minding my own business, when God put an idea in my head. I had been to the WWC library a couple of weeks before, and again a few days before that, and had been reading a book there that I really liked. My favorite place to go on campus was the little reference room upstairs, and I loved to sit at the table by the big window that overlooked the area where graduation ceremonies take place. I had a favorite chair too (there are two chairs there), because it gave me a view without having the sun directly in my eyes. Anyway, God put the picture of that place in my mind, and then invited me to go there instead of mowing my lawn. At first, I thought "I really should mow it." But then I decided "It's a beautiful day today, and I'd sure like to go, so ok, God, I'll go to the library instead." I changed out of my work clothes and put on something more suitable for going out in public, and left my room. At this point, God told me that I would meet [as it turns out, Him hiding within a man's heart] there, and then I left the house and drove to the WWC campus.
I got to the library, went upstairs, got out the book I liked (I wasn't yet a WWC student, so I had to keep leaving the book there when I was done reading it, since I didn't have a library card), and went to go sit in my favorite chair. But, darn! This guy was sitting in MY chair at that table! I LOATH sharing such intimate corners with members of the opposite sex who are total strangers - it's very unnerving for me. So, I said "Sorry" and I turned around to walk away. Then I remembered what God had told me about meeting a man, and turned back and sheepishly asked "Unless you don't mind sharing a table..." The guy said "sure" and so I sat down. We didn't talk at all at first. I kept waiting for him to get up and leave out of being weirded out by sitting so close to a strange woman like that. He didn't. To make a long story short, we did eventually start talking. We got to know each other amazingly well for two people who had just met, and by the end of our nearly three hour conversation, he (Erik) invited me to his Bible study, which he called the "Oneness study." I had NO idea that I was being Framed! And had anyone told me only half of the remainder of this story, I would never have gone. Had anyone told me the end of the story (well, it's really a New Beginning), I would have gone, and I suppose it would have been less painful of an adventure, but then the work wouldn't really have been done, either. No pain, no gain.
I kept going to his studies, and though at first I had no clue what I was in for, eventually, it was made known. Violently (on a Spiritual/emotional level). The topic? 1 John 3, the first few verses. That night, I was condemned to hell for having sinned after being baptized - or so I thought. That chapter has some pretty sobering messages such as:
1) Whoever commits sin also commits lawlessness, and sin is lawlessness. (:4)
2) He who sins is of the devil, for the devil has sinned from the beginning. (:8a)
3) Whoever has been born of God does not sin, for His seed remains in him; and he cannot sin, because he has been born of God. (:9)
4) In this the children of God and the children of the devil are manifest: Whoever does not practice righteousness is not of God, nor is he who does not love his brother. (:10. Note that Adultery is NOT loving one's "brother" or "fellow man" etc.)
5) We know that we have passed from death to life, because we love the brethren. He who does not love his brother abides in death. (:14)
6) Whoever hates his brother is a murderer, and you know that no murderer has eternal life abiding in him. (:15)
7) My little children, let us not love in word or in tongue, but in deed and in truth. (:18)
8) Beloved, if our heart does not condemn us, we have confidence toward God. (:21)
9) And whatever we ask we receive from Him, because we keep His commandments and do those things that are pleasing in His sight. (:22. Note that I had been asking for a husband for years and years, and never had been given one.)
It's easy to miss the keys to that set of verses (sorry Erik, but I'm just gonna hand this one out, since there's no such thing as cyber-Kleenex):
"For this purpose the Son of God was manifested, that He might destroy the works of the devil." (:8b) "And everyone who has this hope in Him purifies himself, just as He is pure." (:3) "And you know that He was manifested to take away our sins, and in Him there is no sin." (:5b) "We know that we have passed from death to life, because we love the brethren." (:14. Hey, wait, didn't I include that in the other list? Hmmm...)
Please memorize those. They mean that Jesus came to undo EVERYTHING that satan ever did to anyone, no matter when it happened, or what it was. Did satan trick you into doing something you really regret? Guess what? Jesus coming here meant that you are freed from everything associated with that. And if you place your hope in this truth, you will be purified. When you do pass from death into life, you will love your brothers(:3,: 5b, and :14 came into my healing process much later. I'm still learning to love my "brethren" but the key to that is forgiveness...)
But the story doesn't end there. Oh no, I was just as angry as you probably were when you read that first list of verses, if you have also committed sins in your life, either before or after baptism. And I MISSED the verses entirely that were in that second list (Erik misdirected me on purpose, at God's leading, so as to prick my conscience at get the ball rolling). I threw a FIT! Erik kept pelting me with questions, such as "Who really goes to Heaven and who goes to hell? Can sinners live in Heaven? Are sinners God's children? Have you sinned?" Stuff like that. I was getting really steamed, hurt, and convicted, and I didn't like it at all. I had come to realize that his Bible studies were a little bit different than usual, but this was WAY out of line, as far as I was concerned. I thought "How dare Erik do this to me - I thought he was my friend! And why is the Bible saying these things to me? What in the world? Doesn't God love me? Grrr." Maybe He *thanks again for the hug* didn't love me - after all, I had sinned, and :22 made it pretty clear that I was now suffering under the yoke of the consequences for my sins. I was ready to cry. I got up and said "I don't know, Erik, but I'm really upset right now and I'm going home!" when he just wouldn't shut up with all these questions. I didn't know it at the time, but all these thoughts I was having were whisperings of demonic forces that were harassing me.
I made it to the door, and had my hand on the knob, when Erik began begging me to stay and give him just 5 more minutes to explain everything. I shot back at him "You weren't there to see - you don't know what happened." Softly, he said "I do know" and I just couldn't believe the nerve of this guy! "No, you don't, Erik. You weren't there!" I turned the handle. Again, he begged me to stay and I thought "The nerve of this guy! What, am I not allowed to leave?" Then he said "Please, Caroline, just let me show you how it's not what you think." I was ready to bolt, but something softened me just enough and I heard a small voice telling me that I should give this guy one more chance. I listened and went back, sat down, and just bawled. I wasn't ready to talk. I just needed to cry and be told that everything was going to be ok. Well, the "ok" part of that came much, much later (months later, and it came from God Himself). I needed to be held too, and couldn't understand why these "good Christians" at this study weren't doing that. I had no idea that it was on purpose - that I needed to feel my need for Love from my Heavenly Groom, who had been intensely involved in this the whole time. There was a lot of talking on Erik's part and some listening on my part. I was emotionally shot, and when I get that way, it's hard to really process incoming information. I did grasp :8b though, when Erik asked me to re-read it and then tell him what that meant. I had a hard time really getting the deeper meaning of this, so I said, "Erik, I really don't know what you're getting at here." He just said "It means that Jesus came to undo everything satan ever did to you."
I almost spilled my guts then and there. I figured that Erik probably thought my being upset had to do with perhaps some stolen candy or a lie told or some gossip or something else that most people think of as "little sins." My sins were much greater - and they were costing me my whole future, or that's what I thought, even after reading :8b and having it explained to me. I couldn't comprehend that what I had been told about baptism and a sinless life afterwards, and how if you sinned after baptism, then you were condemned to hell forever - I couldn't understand that this was a lie. Surely, there must be SOME truth in it, right? Otherwise, what's the point in God having rules and hell in the first place, except to put people in hell who sin after they are supposed to be perfect? Anyway, I wasn't ready to tell this guy who had just been sooo "mean" to me about my past. Sure, sex wasn't involved, but other serious things were. Why am I not naming those here? It's not just about privacy, though there is that. It's because I don't want to set a standard for what sexually related physical (and emotional) activities/relationships are "ok" and which one's "aren't ok." Why? Go back and read about that "vision" God gave me. Being faithful to your spouse should start the day you are born, yet so few of us are raised to understand this.
In fact, as is my custom, I tried to get around it. I DESPERATELY tried. Poor Erik - it must split his sides to snort and snicker when he recalls everything I said and did to try to NOT tell him what I had done! And it makes me feel very sheepish to recall how he quietly encouraged me to be strong enough to tell him about what happened, and then finally, in frustration, he (moderately) snapped at me one day, when I asked him a question about if I needed to be rebaptised, "I don't know, Caroline, since you won't tell me what happened!" He wouldn't discuss it anymore. And I realized that I wasn't going to get out of this if I wanted to continue the studies. As I had gotten to know him a bit better, I had sensed that there was an accepting side to him - yet could he really be trusted with knowing everything I had done? What if he called up the local pastor, had some big pow-wow with him about me, and I lost my church membership? It's not like I'm real big on organized religion being that important, because to me, it's just not (after all, it is just a database full of names and personal information somewhere over in Maryland, that gets used to send out whatever the GC feels like sending out). But I didn't want to go through anymore embarrassment over this than I already had. I was mortified whenever the subject had come up in prayer to God - most of the time, I just cried. And to have people who claimed to be spreading His message (of perfection) throughout the world so Jesus could come back... The idea of having those people condemn me for my transgressions against my body and the Body of Christ... I couldn't handle that. So, I really didn't want to tell him anything.
And then I realized something. If I was to be friends with this guy, I'd like to try something new. Honesty. I had never really been honest with anyone before, in admitting that I had ever done any of the things I had done. I figured - haven't I already been treated like junk by so many people I knew from church? And they didn't know anything about this stuff! What difference does it make? If I'm going to be condemned, it will be for who I am. Something else I had noticed about Erik was that he really did know his Bible well. And the way he prayed to God, it was like he was really talking to someone, not just to some figment of his "holy" imagination or something. Perhaps the Someone who had called me into this friendship in the first place. And he struck me as being a guy who, while he was "mean" when it was appropriate, he really does care about people. Still, it was a huge risk. Could I take it? I decided that if I was ever going to have hope of finding true Salvation (not just the feel-good kind that says "Jesus died to take your past sins away"), then I'd better grab the bully by it's horns and get writing. At first, I thought about trying to verbalize what had happened. I just couldn't do it. I've never been able to, and I don't know that I ever will be able to, or that I should ever have to. Since I couldn't say what I had done, I wrote it ALL down. And then promptly threw that set of pages away. Too much, I figured. I mean, Erik didn't need to know EVERYTHING I ever did. So, I paired it down to a short list of the worst of my sins. I spent all night working on the pages I threw away, and about 5 minutes typing up that short list. I also included my consequences, mainly my singleness and how I was now, at age 30, living in and keeping my parents' house for them, doing a lot of hard labor in the process, and how I daily lived with a broken heart because of how empty my life was without my husband, a man who I figured I would not be allowed to marry.
Then came the long drive. Really, it's only a 20 minute drive, but it seemed to take too long. And satan just had his way with my ears. He brought up every time I had ever been condemned by "Godly" people for much smaller "crimes." "Erik won't want to be friends with you anymore! What, are you crazy?" and "He's got connections in the church - he's only human, you know - he'll just try to get you kicked out of the church." Three times satan tried to keep me from making it to Erik's place. I just kept on driving anyway, knowing that this might be my last chance to really get this stuff resolved.
Erik was home, and had blocked off the entire afternoon to spend with me. God had told him I was going to do this. We went from there to Heubach Chapel, where I gave him that piece of paper with my sins and consequences named on it. I remember watching him reading it thinking, "Oh, God, this is it - he knows now. What will he do?" He just looked up at me and said he was relieved that it wasn't worse than it was. I thought "What in the world?" "Erik," I said, "what I did was pretty bad." He chided me by reminding me of some things he had been involved with which, in truth, are much worse - but at the time, I didn't realize how that was possible. And then he told me a story about a man who was so in love with his fiancée' that no matter what she did, he always took care of her. Then he told me that the woman was Israel and the man was God. He asked me, "what was worse, the fact that she did all these awful things, or the fact that she left a man who loved her perfectly in the first place?" I answered that it seemed kind of stupid to leave a man who loves you that much in the first place.
We moved on from there, and talked about other issues related to dating/courtship/marriage and who belongs with who. What Erik said about knowing God's Will astounded me. A person ought to not make a single move until God shows their spouse to them! Usually, people date/court and then hope to find true love. But this seemed like putting the cart before the horse, or else cheating somehow! Yet, I do believe that this is what does really make sense - to wait for God to find a way to tell them who their spouse is. Remember that riddle and sign I had asked for? I had TOTALLY forgotten about them (actually, until just a day ago). And then Erik really challenged me with something... He challenged me to give up my love life completely to God and leave it there - meaning that God might ask me to stay single the rest of my life, and I had to be ok with that. I struggled hard with that, and do find it to be a slight struggle yet, though I am daily stronger in that area. But this taught me a phrase that I have clung to for dear life, after hearing that story about the man who loved that woman so much... "God is in charge of my happiness." It's short and simple, and I can remember it under almost all duress (though I've learned that there ARE times when this phrase can be forgotten). After that experience at Heubach was over, we left saying "Now I know and you know that I know, and I know that you know that I know..." and he was kind enough to walk back to his place from there so that I could make it to my next appointment which was just across the street *thanks God for that.*
(From part I
Continued in part III)
I was going to go outside and mow my lawn. Plain and simple. I was just minding my own business, when God put an idea in my head. I had been to the WWC library a couple of weeks before, and again a few days before that, and had been reading a book there that I really liked. My favorite place to go on campus was the little reference room upstairs, and I loved to sit at the table by the big window that overlooked the area where graduation ceremonies take place. I had a favorite chair too (there are two chairs there), because it gave me a view without having the sun directly in my eyes. Anyway, God put the picture of that place in my mind, and then invited me to go there instead of mowing my lawn. At first, I thought "I really should mow it." But then I decided "It's a beautiful day today, and I'd sure like to go, so ok, God, I'll go to the library instead." I changed out of my work clothes and put on something more suitable for going out in public, and left my room. At this point, God told me that I would meet [as it turns out, Him hiding within a man's heart] there, and then I left the house and drove to the WWC campus.
I got to the library, went upstairs, got out the book I liked (I wasn't yet a WWC student, so I had to keep leaving the book there when I was done reading it, since I didn't have a library card), and went to go sit in my favorite chair. But, darn! This guy was sitting in MY chair at that table! I LOATH sharing such intimate corners with members of the opposite sex who are total strangers - it's very unnerving for me. So, I said "Sorry" and I turned around to walk away. Then I remembered what God had told me about meeting a man, and turned back and sheepishly asked "Unless you don't mind sharing a table..." The guy said "sure" and so I sat down. We didn't talk at all at first. I kept waiting for him to get up and leave out of being weirded out by sitting so close to a strange woman like that. He didn't. To make a long story short, we did eventually start talking. We got to know each other amazingly well for two people who had just met, and by the end of our nearly three hour conversation, he (Erik) invited me to his Bible study, which he called the "Oneness study." I had NO idea that I was being Framed! And had anyone told me only half of the remainder of this story, I would never have gone. Had anyone told me the end of the story (well, it's really a New Beginning), I would have gone, and I suppose it would have been less painful of an adventure, but then the work wouldn't really have been done, either. No pain, no gain.
I kept going to his studies, and though at first I had no clue what I was in for, eventually, it was made known. Violently (on a Spiritual/emotional level). The topic? 1 John 3, the first few verses. That night, I was condemned to hell for having sinned after being baptized - or so I thought. That chapter has some pretty sobering messages such as:
1) Whoever commits sin also commits lawlessness, and sin is lawlessness. (:4)
2) He who sins is of the devil, for the devil has sinned from the beginning. (:8a)
3) Whoever has been born of God does not sin, for His seed remains in him; and he cannot sin, because he has been born of God. (:9)
4) In this the children of God and the children of the devil are manifest: Whoever does not practice righteousness is not of God, nor is he who does not love his brother. (:10. Note that Adultery is NOT loving one's "brother" or "fellow man" etc.)
5) We know that we have passed from death to life, because we love the brethren. He who does not love his brother abides in death. (:14)
6) Whoever hates his brother is a murderer, and you know that no murderer has eternal life abiding in him. (:15)
7) My little children, let us not love in word or in tongue, but in deed and in truth. (:18)
8) Beloved, if our heart does not condemn us, we have confidence toward God. (:21)
9) And whatever we ask we receive from Him, because we keep His commandments and do those things that are pleasing in His sight. (:22. Note that I had been asking for a husband for years and years, and never had been given one.)
It's easy to miss the keys to that set of verses (sorry Erik, but I'm just gonna hand this one out, since there's no such thing as cyber-Kleenex):
"For this purpose the Son of God was manifested, that He might destroy the works of the devil." (:8b) "And everyone who has this hope in Him purifies himself, just as He is pure." (:3) "And you know that He was manifested to take away our sins, and in Him there is no sin." (:5b) "We know that we have passed from death to life, because we love the brethren." (:14. Hey, wait, didn't I include that in the other list? Hmmm...)
Please memorize those. They mean that Jesus came to undo EVERYTHING that satan ever did to anyone, no matter when it happened, or what it was. Did satan trick you into doing something you really regret? Guess what? Jesus coming here meant that you are freed from everything associated with that. And if you place your hope in this truth, you will be purified. When you do pass from death into life, you will love your brothers(:3,: 5b, and :14 came into my healing process much later. I'm still learning to love my "brethren" but the key to that is forgiveness...)
But the story doesn't end there. Oh no, I was just as angry as you probably were when you read that first list of verses, if you have also committed sins in your life, either before or after baptism. And I MISSED the verses entirely that were in that second list (Erik misdirected me on purpose, at God's leading, so as to prick my conscience at get the ball rolling). I threw a FIT! Erik kept pelting me with questions, such as "Who really goes to Heaven and who goes to hell? Can sinners live in Heaven? Are sinners God's children? Have you sinned?" Stuff like that. I was getting really steamed, hurt, and convicted, and I didn't like it at all. I had come to realize that his Bible studies were a little bit different than usual, but this was WAY out of line, as far as I was concerned. I thought "How dare Erik do this to me - I thought he was my friend! And why is the Bible saying these things to me? What in the world? Doesn't God love me? Grrr." Maybe He *thanks again for the hug* didn't love me - after all, I had sinned, and :22 made it pretty clear that I was now suffering under the yoke of the consequences for my sins. I was ready to cry. I got up and said "I don't know, Erik, but I'm really upset right now and I'm going home!" when he just wouldn't shut up with all these questions. I didn't know it at the time, but all these thoughts I was having were whisperings of demonic forces that were harassing me.
I made it to the door, and had my hand on the knob, when Erik began begging me to stay and give him just 5 more minutes to explain everything. I shot back at him "You weren't there to see - you don't know what happened." Softly, he said "I do know" and I just couldn't believe the nerve of this guy! "No, you don't, Erik. You weren't there!" I turned the handle. Again, he begged me to stay and I thought "The nerve of this guy! What, am I not allowed to leave?" Then he said "Please, Caroline, just let me show you how it's not what you think." I was ready to bolt, but something softened me just enough and I heard a small voice telling me that I should give this guy one more chance. I listened and went back, sat down, and just bawled. I wasn't ready to talk. I just needed to cry and be told that everything was going to be ok. Well, the "ok" part of that came much, much later (months later, and it came from God Himself). I needed to be held too, and couldn't understand why these "good Christians" at this study weren't doing that. I had no idea that it was on purpose - that I needed to feel my need for Love from my Heavenly Groom, who had been intensely involved in this the whole time. There was a lot of talking on Erik's part and some listening on my part. I was emotionally shot, and when I get that way, it's hard to really process incoming information. I did grasp :8b though, when Erik asked me to re-read it and then tell him what that meant. I had a hard time really getting the deeper meaning of this, so I said, "Erik, I really don't know what you're getting at here." He just said "It means that Jesus came to undo everything satan ever did to you."
I almost spilled my guts then and there. I figured that Erik probably thought my being upset had to do with perhaps some stolen candy or a lie told or some gossip or something else that most people think of as "little sins." My sins were much greater - and they were costing me my whole future, or that's what I thought, even after reading :8b and having it explained to me. I couldn't comprehend that what I had been told about baptism and a sinless life afterwards, and how if you sinned after baptism, then you were condemned to hell forever - I couldn't understand that this was a lie. Surely, there must be SOME truth in it, right? Otherwise, what's the point in God having rules and hell in the first place, except to put people in hell who sin after they are supposed to be perfect? Anyway, I wasn't ready to tell this guy who had just been sooo "mean" to me about my past. Sure, sex wasn't involved, but other serious things were. Why am I not naming those here? It's not just about privacy, though there is that. It's because I don't want to set a standard for what sexually related physical (and emotional) activities/relationships are "ok" and which one's "aren't ok." Why? Go back and read about that "vision" God gave me. Being faithful to your spouse should start the day you are born, yet so few of us are raised to understand this.
In fact, as is my custom, I tried to get around it. I DESPERATELY tried. Poor Erik - it must split his sides to snort and snicker when he recalls everything I said and did to try to NOT tell him what I had done! And it makes me feel very sheepish to recall how he quietly encouraged me to be strong enough to tell him about what happened, and then finally, in frustration, he (moderately) snapped at me one day, when I asked him a question about if I needed to be rebaptised, "I don't know, Caroline, since you won't tell me what happened!" He wouldn't discuss it anymore. And I realized that I wasn't going to get out of this if I wanted to continue the studies. As I had gotten to know him a bit better, I had sensed that there was an accepting side to him - yet could he really be trusted with knowing everything I had done? What if he called up the local pastor, had some big pow-wow with him about me, and I lost my church membership? It's not like I'm real big on organized religion being that important, because to me, it's just not (after all, it is just a database full of names and personal information somewhere over in Maryland, that gets used to send out whatever the GC feels like sending out). But I didn't want to go through anymore embarrassment over this than I already had. I was mortified whenever the subject had come up in prayer to God - most of the time, I just cried. And to have people who claimed to be spreading His message (of perfection) throughout the world so Jesus could come back... The idea of having those people condemn me for my transgressions against my body and the Body of Christ... I couldn't handle that. So, I really didn't want to tell him anything.
And then I realized something. If I was to be friends with this guy, I'd like to try something new. Honesty. I had never really been honest with anyone before, in admitting that I had ever done any of the things I had done. I figured - haven't I already been treated like junk by so many people I knew from church? And they didn't know anything about this stuff! What difference does it make? If I'm going to be condemned, it will be for who I am. Something else I had noticed about Erik was that he really did know his Bible well. And the way he prayed to God, it was like he was really talking to someone, not just to some figment of his "holy" imagination or something. Perhaps the Someone who had called me into this friendship in the first place. And he struck me as being a guy who, while he was "mean" when it was appropriate, he really does care about people. Still, it was a huge risk. Could I take it? I decided that if I was ever going to have hope of finding true Salvation (not just the feel-good kind that says "Jesus died to take your past sins away"), then I'd better grab the bully by it's horns and get writing. At first, I thought about trying to verbalize what had happened. I just couldn't do it. I've never been able to, and I don't know that I ever will be able to, or that I should ever have to. Since I couldn't say what I had done, I wrote it ALL down. And then promptly threw that set of pages away. Too much, I figured. I mean, Erik didn't need to know EVERYTHING I ever did. So, I paired it down to a short list of the worst of my sins. I spent all night working on the pages I threw away, and about 5 minutes typing up that short list. I also included my consequences, mainly my singleness and how I was now, at age 30, living in and keeping my parents' house for them, doing a lot of hard labor in the process, and how I daily lived with a broken heart because of how empty my life was without my husband, a man who I figured I would not be allowed to marry.
Then came the long drive. Really, it's only a 20 minute drive, but it seemed to take too long. And satan just had his way with my ears. He brought up every time I had ever been condemned by "Godly" people for much smaller "crimes." "Erik won't want to be friends with you anymore! What, are you crazy?" and "He's got connections in the church - he's only human, you know - he'll just try to get you kicked out of the church." Three times satan tried to keep me from making it to Erik's place. I just kept on driving anyway, knowing that this might be my last chance to really get this stuff resolved.
Erik was home, and had blocked off the entire afternoon to spend with me. God had told him I was going to do this. We went from there to Heubach Chapel, where I gave him that piece of paper with my sins and consequences named on it. I remember watching him reading it thinking, "Oh, God, this is it - he knows now. What will he do?" He just looked up at me and said he was relieved that it wasn't worse than it was. I thought "What in the world?" "Erik," I said, "what I did was pretty bad." He chided me by reminding me of some things he had been involved with which, in truth, are much worse - but at the time, I didn't realize how that was possible. And then he told me a story about a man who was so in love with his fiancée' that no matter what she did, he always took care of her. Then he told me that the woman was Israel and the man was God. He asked me, "what was worse, the fact that she did all these awful things, or the fact that she left a man who loved her perfectly in the first place?" I answered that it seemed kind of stupid to leave a man who loves you that much in the first place.
We moved on from there, and talked about other issues related to dating/courtship/marriage and who belongs with who. What Erik said about knowing God's Will astounded me. A person ought to not make a single move until God shows their spouse to them! Usually, people date/court and then hope to find true love. But this seemed like putting the cart before the horse, or else cheating somehow! Yet, I do believe that this is what does really make sense - to wait for God to find a way to tell them who their spouse is. Remember that riddle and sign I had asked for? I had TOTALLY forgotten about them (actually, until just a day ago). And then Erik really challenged me with something... He challenged me to give up my love life completely to God and leave it there - meaning that God might ask me to stay single the rest of my life, and I had to be ok with that. I struggled hard with that, and do find it to be a slight struggle yet, though I am daily stronger in that area. But this taught me a phrase that I have clung to for dear life, after hearing that story about the man who loved that woman so much... "God is in charge of my happiness." It's short and simple, and I can remember it under almost all duress (though I've learned that there ARE times when this phrase can be forgotten). After that experience at Heubach was over, we left saying "Now I know and you know that I know, and I know that you know that I know..." and he was kind enough to walk back to his place from there so that I could make it to my next appointment which was just across the street *thanks God for that.*
(From part I
Continued in part III)
posted by Caroline Talita Ishshah | 12:51 PM
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