Three Month Lunaversary

Well, technically, not so... Yet I'm stuck on the solar Gregorian (or is it Julian?) calendar. So, God, happy 3 months (sorta) since we got Married ;)

I'll see about driving up to the college later, catching some free wireless, and uploading a bunch of pics :D

"Truly Insane"

That is what my Beloved brother, Erik, called me something like a month ago (or was it two by now?), after I made a deal with God about how He HAS to make Himself known to a very dear mutual friend, or else I'd just rather not even be in Heaven someday. Why? Well, why would I want to spend all of Eternity in Spiritual Bliss with a God who gave me that chance, but wouldn't give it to another equally valuable woman who has named her price: She HAS to hear from Him in some form or another, or else she'll never believe He's real. You know, that sounds fair enough to me! And it really WAS my price, though I had never articulated it, or even coherantly realized it on a concious level. Yet it WAS there, plain and simple.

So is God real? Heh - yeah. Here's the truth: He speaks to those who He will, and apparently, I'm one of those chosen few. Sometimes He speaks more loudly than others. You can see the results of His Voice affecting my life. Yet there is SO much more to the story than that! I'm tempted to dig up old emails and chats, mostly between myself and Erik throughout the last more than a year now, and create a blog entry that forever immortalizes the classics. I recently did something similar in an email to him (I always write him 100k [or 101k] emails when he goes on vacation - it's something he knows is a-comin' and it's a chance for me to stretch myself Spiritually and linguistically), where I chronicled some of the "quotable quotes" from the last 6 months or so of our friendship. But this blog entry would be different. I should set aside some time to do that.

He also touches my cheeks, kisses me, hugs me, moves through me... It's utterly Amazing and Astounding! And completely unexpected and surreal. Often I find myself wondering "is this all really true, or have I lost my mind?" and then I just ask myself "Does it matter? Wouldn't God sorta step in and correct me somewhere along the way, setting me straight, if what I think I'm experiencing ISN'T from Him?" And then I remember the shooting stars, the fortune cookies He TOLD me to open which specifically spoke to situations He had me in (not vaguely, but specifically)... And I just want to cry at times, and laugh at other times. Who am I that He would do this? And Who is this God, this Champion of Warriors, this Husband of mine, that what goes on in my life is actually MORE important to Him than what's going on up there in the Great Blue Yonder?

Yes, when Erik baptised me (actually, God used Erik to do that, and TOLD me that it was Him baptising me through Erik, just to clarify), it was a Wedding with a Passover theme. Yes, there was a real Wedding Dress. Yes, I took vows (of accepting God's Forever Commitment to me, which keeps me Committed and Consecrated to Him Forever). Yes, yesterday, I had mom take pictures of me in my Wedding Dress (as nutty as that seemed to her and my dad). Why? Because when I'm older, I want to look back and Remember just what it was like to be in my early 30s and in Love with God, my Great Husband. I'm going to try posting one or two of them here (the MSN Photo thing just REALLY stinks as it totally distorted my pics). You'll note that, obviousely, God isn't standing or sitting with me in human form. Yet if you look closely, you can see Him there too. So that's my "here's Waldo" for today - see if you can see God in these pics, k?







Need some help? Heh - ask God to show you where He is in these pictures :D

And another thing!... ;) Hehe!

Here's my (second) response to the Faith/Repentance article on Laura and Leslie's Blog. It's too long to fit into their comments section, and I think it's cool to put here anyway, so, heh, it goes here instead ;) I'm putting a link to it in a comment I'm going to add to that page on their blog.

Well, it's been awhile since I posted that, and I have to say that I've been even longer on the journey since then. I understand MUCH more fully now what it means to have that "faith" changed into, well, REALITY. It's one thing to believe there is a God who said this and did that and golly-gee, I'd better repent... (I'm not belittling repentance here, merely the empty attitude that I myself used to have about it.) It's another thing entirely to come into CONTACT with the LIVING God Himself, through His Spirit, to converse back and forth with Him, to feel Him move through you, and to have all of it confirmed by signs and wonders that others might think are random acts of nature, but which you know yourself are NOT.

That's when repentence BECOMES emotion and there simply ARE NO WORDS to define the experience. Ramone, it's kinda that "strange posture on the floor you find yourself in" that you made mention of way back when I first met you. I had no idea what in the world you were talking about back then, until it happened to me.

That's NOT to say it's like that all the time for all Christians, as if it's some kind of test of one's Christianity! Um, actually, it's just kind of a side-bar in the journal that IS my life these days - kind of a comforting warning to those who will happen experience this in the future. Don't be afraid - GOD is with you.

Oh, and I will say this: for me, repentance was a LONG process of coming face to face with my own imperfect humanity, bawling my head off as I nearly BECAME the condemnation (it was that strong, being hurled at me by satan), and barely even being calmable by the knowledge that it's not my place to be that condemnation because Jesus did that for me. For me, it was a marriage of intellect and emotions that took me down a long path of recovery (not to it, of it), and I couldn't have done it alone. That's what Christian community really OUGHT to be there for, in my opinion. Those who've already found healing in God being the ones who continually allow the lost to lean on their shoulders as they both travel together to the Cross and to Heaven.

Anyway, so only for reasons of personal experience, I have to say that I do believe that emotions ARE at play in the process of repentance. One's intellect can be used to get the ball rolling (certainly, you can't be sorry for something if you don't believe what you've done was wrong), but the deeper, more genunine repentance is more than just balancing out one's sins against Jesus' blood. For me, it still happens. I've learned that while one can be aware at first that what they did was wrong, it's only through time and healing that they are Allowed by God to see the deeper impact of the consequences on their own life and the lives of others of what they did. That's when the heart truly changes and one no longer at all DESIRES to have anything to do with whatever sin it was that caused all that havoc in the first place. Though there may be addictions involved, the fact is that their heart has been pricked from that point on. If a person is in that community of Healers (as described above), then their heart can be directed to Jesus for healing regarding that addiction, to learn to Trust Him to work in them to deal with that addiction, and to finally remove it. At the same time, there is a heart-healing process that DOES take place, when a person is truly set free from all of the condemnation they first felt at one time.

At least that's more or less what I personally experienced. I do believe it's different for everyone. I will say this: I spent my whole life being any anylitical intellectual. As I've been set Free to pursue the Relationship that God offers me daily as He Pursues me, I've learned one thing for sure: I laugh with more sincerity, and I've kinda become a cry-baby too. I actually FEEL things in my heart now that ought to be there, such as true Joy or true Repentant Sorrow (or just true Saddness, the case depending), where before there was only empty pain or just plain hollowness altogether.

And here's more brain-candy: It was that empty pain at times, and pure hollowness at other times, that cause me to do stupid, sinful things in the first place (i.e., it was the catylist, or the straw that broke the camel's back). I did anything I could to ease that pain, to fill the voide. Only God has been able to heal the trouble in my heart, to Guide it to His Heart, and to ALLOW me to FEEL everything that He Created me to feel, as He wants me to feel it. Only HE can Direct my emotions and help me learn how to appropriately act upon them (or not act, as the case may be).

Special note to Erik: yes, I get the deeper meaning of that, and yes, God is working with me on it. Thanks as always brother, for praying for me regarding that issue.

(This post is reflected on the original site so I can save Ramone's and my comments, which can only poorly be copied to this entry.)

Money vs. Love

I was reading in Desiring God (John Piper) about love-based giving. It occurred to me that there are two commodities in "the church" at large. One is money - that stuff that goes off to God knows where and is intended to do tons of good for complete strangers we won't meet until we're in Heaven. Often I've heard it said "Well, you should give cheerfully, but even if you don't want to, you should anyway 'cause we could really use the money." While this comes off sounding very "honest and to the point," it carries with it a VERY wrong message about God's view of giving. It, overall, makes it sound like giving from the heart is supposed to be hard or something.

But I realized something tonight: if the LOVE (the other commodity in "the church") in one's heart is genuine and overflowing for those the money will help, then it's NOT hard at all to give it! Why? Because it's a love-based gift, not a duty-based gift. Where does that LOVE come from? You can't make yourself Love a perfect stranger deep down in your heart of hearts - only God can put that Love within you. So I say, stop trying to Love everyone around you, and just see how God puts HIS Love in your heart instead... It's a long process, and really it begins with recognising His Love for you, but the final outgrowth of that Love is one that causes you to see others in a whole different light than you did before. It might even cause you to hand a $20.00 bill to the struggling couple in the row ahead of you in church one day so they can pay off their electric bill, or otherwise just have a fun little date for once without worrying about how to pay for it. It might cause them to realize that Jesus Lives inside those who Love and serve Him, and it just MIGHT cause you to realize the same thing :D

Heh. I LOVE "Christian Hedonism" as it's popularly called ;)

Good Mood, Day 7

Well, all I can say is that, for one, I'm addicted to cocoa ;)

And for another, I'm hopelessly Addicted to God! To make a VERY long story short, I've not only (Spiritually) Married Him, but I've now completely given Him my heart, affections, and everything. That's right folks, my heart is "off the market" for good. No man can have it, now or ever. It's God's now. I'm in Love with God. He and I are One. I may be enjoying "singleness" (on the human level), but I now realize that, at least emotionally and Spiritually speaking, I'm ready for marriage (on the human level). My heart will always belong only to God, and so no man can harm it with his (human, imperfect) love. And my husband will never give me his heart either - instead, it will also belong to God, and probably already does (a serious turn on for me, beleive me)! And so, in the right time, "the two shall become one (echad)" in Unity in God.

I wish only to see, hear, feal, and Love God when I'm with my husband in the future. I pray he will have the same experience when he's with me. This is true marriage. This IS echad. It makes no difference if my husband is with me or not, because my Husband is "with (me) always, even until the end of the age."

PS: I drew a rose mallow the other day. I got the leaves wrong (my ADD got me) but I did some cool things with it in PhotoShop. Thought you'd like to have a look at it :)

Gone Forever

Oh my. I've had a MOST interesting weekend! *Breaths* Ok, how do I summarize this? In one sentance? God took my heart off the market forever - it's HIS now, completely. That doesn't mean I'll never marry a human man, but it does mean that not even my husband will ever have my heart. My heart belongs only to God now forever. That doesn't mean that "I" can't ever love my husband or kids or family/friends either! But instead it means two things: 1) My heart is Protected by Him so that it's ok to Love others and it won't get broken because I trust Him and hide in Him and His Love for me, and 2) It's not my love anyway, because it's not my heart anymore (it's His now), but rather it's His Love shining through me because of His Love for others that they will see in me. It means that while I might marry a man, it's not him that I'm in love with completely, but rather Jesus in him, though I'm sure there will be things about my husband that will attract me to him. Basically, only God could break my heart if He wanted to, but I know He won't because He doesn't want to. He's the only one who I can trust completely with my heart - He's the only one who'll ever really be there for me, though He will and does use others to be there for me as well.

Good Mood, Day 2

Yesterday, I emailed several of you the following:

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Just Googled "how food affects mood", learned a LOT about it, and came up with the following diet for myself. *This is not medical advice, so go see your Dr. and R.D. (Registered Dietition) and get their concent first before trying it, blah blah ;) Ok, so I've covered my legal butt :p Anyhow, here's the latest (milk free, high protein) diet I'm trying. I'll let you know if it did anything for me ;)

Breakfast:
Fried Vegemeat
1 egg
Orange Juice & Tofu smoothie
*vanilla
*silk
*orange juice
Strawberries

Lunch:
1 Serving canned Spinich
or spinich leaf salad with red bell peppers and broccoli
Whole grain pasta w/tofu sauce
1 garlic pill
1/3 Caffein tablet
High in soy protein brownie with 1 brazil nut and 5 almonds

Supper
Celery sticks
Mixed Vegetables
Cocoa Tofu & soy milk smoothie
*vanilla
*silk
Egg whites
Bread
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I haven't quite incorporated the whole thing into my diet yet, but I've had 2 Cocoa Tofu & soy milk smoothies (one yesterday, one today), 1 Orange Juice and Tofu smoothie, 1 brownie, a number of vegetables on pizza, several egg whites and 1 yolk, and some vege-burger (low fat) in the pizza sauce.

Of all of these, the smoothies seem to have the most immediate and long lasting effect on my mood, and I really do feel good. Mostly, I can blame all that cocoa and the orange juice in particular, but the soy helps too, because it's almost pure protein, which has the opposite affect on a person as most carbs do (regarding mood). Complex carbs (all forms of flour) make you feel sluggish - protein gives you energy (which lasts longer). Of course, simple carbs (sugar, regardless of it's color or how it was milled, or honey/molasis/etc.) give you an immediate "sugar high" with a "carb crash" later on. Protein doesn't make anyone crash like that, that I know of.

In fact, I've not been depressed at all since I started this (which is unusual for me -- I've struggled with depression multiple times daily for ages). I'm not in some overly positive mood either, but I do feel very "alive" and a lot more content to be myself and enjoy whatever I want to in life. I just am not plagued by the overwhelming feeling that something is wrong with me, wrong with my life, wrong with everyone else, that my feelings are subject to everyone else... I'm content in my own little (internal) bubble over here, for once, and I have no desire to leave it.

I should also add that I've exercised a few minutes a day off and on for the last week, and that in the last 3 days, I've taken the time I needed to sleep during any part of the day/night that I needed to. I've had to, because I was up all night last Saturday night and part of Sunday morning after being awake for most of the day on Sabbath. So, I'm playing catch up.

On top of that, I've deliberately stayed offline for the last I don't know how many days, because I've needed to, in general, be away from people. I've limited my contact with people to specific emails that were high in priority -- all other contact has been "off limits" to me during that time. I'm now back on my IMer, but I'm marked as "Busy" to let people know to limit their communication with me to only high priority stuff. This is simply a method of destressing myself, because even positive contact that's more "usual" and not "high priority" is a source of stress (kind of like how some women can be under more stress when they get engaged, even though they are happy, than when they are getting fired from a job they wanted to have).

I've also rediscovered my love for RealOne Archade ;) That's just plain fun, puts me in control, and gives my brain a chance to get some exercise, heh!

I've been in contact with some people in Tri-Cities who I think may be my key to finding work out there. My goal is to move out there by the end of the summer, unless I happen to find work locally first.

What does God have to do with this? For one, He MADE everything I've been eating (without Him, nothing was made). For another, He stuck the idea in my head to Google this topic in the first place. Finally, He's been hugging me periodically, just to let me know that He's here for and with me. He's been letting me know that only He can really help me, but that the foods He made for me to eat and has Lovingly provided for me, are there just for me, the same way that Tylenol is there for me when I have a headache, toothpaste is there for me when I need clean teeth, and tissues are there for me when I do cry, just like He has been all along.